Terese Farmen

ParenthQod
By Terese Farmen

Proponents of Proposition 8 argue that marriage should be denied to same-sex couples because they are not able to biologically procreate with one another. According to a June 16 Los Angeles Times article, their attorney, Charles Cooper, in his closing argument against the people’s lawsuit to overturn Prop. 8, stated that marriage is a means to “channel” sexual behavior into a “stable, marital union” and should therefore be denied to gays.

The expert witness for the defense of Prop. 8 argued that gay parents are more likely to sexually abuse their children and raise maladjusted children who turn out to be gay themselves.

The prosecution demonstrated through witnesses and testimony that there is no validity to their argument and that gays are more likely to molest children. Witnesses also showed through research and studies conducted over the last 20 years that there is no significant difference in behavior or social adjustment inthe children of same-sex and opposite-sex couples.

A more recent study, published in the journal Pediatrics by Nanette Gartrell and Henry Bos, shows that children raised in lesbian households scored higher on psychological exams in self-esteem and did better academically than other children their age. The study showed no significant differences in social adjustment, although the children in the study were less likely to behave poorly in school.

Even the tongue in cheek “Colbert Report” recently urged lesbians to stop raising such well-adjusted kids, as it was setting a “bad example” for how teens should behave.

The infamously raucous character Sue Sylvester from TV’s “Glee” chimed in with her comment, “Gay parents encourage rebellion, there’s studies on this” when the over-achieving, Broadway-bound daughter of two dads is caught red-handed making illegal photocopies from the cheerleading office.
As a gay mom of a 6-year-old, I have to admit there might be some truth to that. When Prop. 8 first passed, thousands of San Diegans took to the streets, marching more than a mile through downtown to the county administration building in protest of the law that made marriage illegal for same-sex couples, just as they took to the streets of Hillcrest this month when that law was deemed unconstitutional.
My daughter, stationed on the shoulders of my domestic partner, was among the protestors during the 2008 march, leading the chant for a good quarter mile. The allies marching with us were loud, rowdy and in good spirits while this adorable toddler kept shouting over and over, “2-4-6-8, marriage for gay and straight.”

I don’t think I can fully take the blame for her allegiance to the gay community. I am guilty for explaining that the people of California voted to take marriage away from lesbians and gays. Her eyes grew wide and her cheeks burned red. She didn’t think it was right. I didn’t have to explain why or try to convince her. She knew deep in her gut that it wasn’t fair.

While I was kneeling on the floor, drawing my protest sign, she grabbed some markers and asked me to write a slogan for her to carry as well.

While it may seem positive and exciting that our children have the self-esteem to stand up for what they believe in and the confidence to express themselves there’s a flip side to this coin—the Prop. 8 supporters also have children.

I remember driving by some of these families that were waving signs in support of the law. These children were not holding signs that said “Stop H8” or “Marriage is for Love.” Their signs read “Protect Our Children” or “Gays are Gross,” etcetera.

Those kids attend school with our children.

While we might like to believe the kids of Proposition 8 supporters are capable of making their own choices about what they believe is right or wrong, and that somehow their parents had forced them into hoisting those hateful picket signs, in truth, those children made choices based on the information they were given. The seeds of hate are generally sown early. It’s not to say these children won’t learn or be exposed to other opinions and become allies later on in life. However, it does mean that children of gay parents might be on the frontlines, leading them to this enlightened mindset.

Somehow we have to arm them for this potential confrontation. We can’t do this by persuading them to believe in our politics. We do this by loving them, building their self-esteem, exposing them to diversity and culture, language and experience. We do this by leading our lives, acting as positive role models and having our own self-esteem to stand up and face injustice head-on, with strength and determination.

The only way to prepare them is to love them, be involved in their lives and lead our lives truthfully and with conviction. The rest will come naturally.

—Terese Farmen lives with her mind-blowingly smart, spunky, sparkly 6-year-old and her witty and wise life partner of many years. She is on vacation and wishes she could have been with everyone in San Diego when Judge Walker ruled in favor of equality, justice and common sense.