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By Michael Kimmel | Beyond Therapy We’re all clear on what we’re told to do in order to be happy. Get the right job; check. Get the right partner; check. Essentially, we get the right life with all the proper accoutrements—check and check—yet so many of us still can’t relax and enjoy our
Learning when to hold on and when to move on By Michael Kimmel | GSD Columnist When we have been betrayed, we often seek blame. Consider this letter: Dear Michael: I feel like such an idiot. I allowed myself to fall in love with this guy who really wasn’t that interested
As a psychotherapist, clients (and people at parties) often ask me about the difference between anxiety and depression. They lump the two together, saying stuff like, “My doctor gave me pills for anxiety and depression” or “I think I’m depressed
Internalized homophobia is self-hatred aimed at ourselves for being gay/bi/trans men and women. While I respect the writer’s preference for more masculine men, I question why more feminine men provoke his embarrassment and anger. If you think that your gay brothers are “just a mess,” this says more about you than it does about them
A lot of my clients tell me that they have lousy self-esteem. When someone gives them a compliment, they can’t let it in. Most of us have trouble with self-esteem (myself included), so let’s look at what it is and how we can cultivate it
Anti-depressants are very helpful for lots of people, but they are not the end-all for depression. Many people run to their doctors for anti-depressants. You know anti-depressants: They’re those pretty little pills that make ugly, weepy people into happy, beautiful people who run through fields of flowers (at least on TV commercials). It sounds too good to be true and, often, it is.
More and more of my clients—straight, gay, whomever—are asking me if I think it’s wrong to get Botox or Restylene treatments to look younger. I’ve had clients go to Brazil, Mexico and even Asia for plastic surgery. A client who just had his eyes “done” told me, “I just want to look like myself, only ‘fresher.’” It’s pretty popular, but how does altering your appearance relate to your mental health
A good way to never find a partner is to find people your own age unattractive. Let’s call it “ageism.” For LGBT folks, ageism is so easy to buy into that most of us don’t give it a second thought. Both gay and straight media make big bucks by pushing youth in the form of predominantly white, hairless, slim but defined, perfect-looking young men and women with no fat, no wrinkles and no maturity
Joni Mitchell has a song, “Happiness is the best facelift,” but curiosity may be just as good. If you want to stay youthful and energetic, consider the role of curiosity in your life. As kids, many of us were not encouraged to be curious: “Curiosity killed the cat,” my grandma told me when I asked too many questions. At the time (age 5) I shut up and obeyed her, but I wish I had replied with, “But Grandma, I’ll bet that cat had a fabulous nine lives before he died.”
Happiness: What a topic! Most of my clients want to be happier. They want more happiness and less suffering in their lives. Who doesn’t? But, what is happiness? We all know it when we feel it—or do we? Is it feeling good, joyful, optimistic, healthy, alive? Or is it a deeper sense of pleasure, satisfaction, well-being?
As my grandma, the Ohio chicken farmer, said, “Nobody’s life is shit-free.” And she was right. Our parents mess up; friends let us down; lovers screw up; bosses and coworkers act like morons.
Today I got a call from a new client, who asked me, “Can you help me lower my stress and anxiety? I don’t want to take medication. Oh, and by the way, I’m kinda depressed too.”
Have you ever met people who seem to have it all (plenty of money, great jobs, hot partners) who lament (drunkenly, over too many cocktails), “I have it all, why do I feel so empty?” That old T-shirt from the ’80s is wrong: He or She who dies with the most toys does NOT win. It’s more likely that he or she gets all the toys and wonders, “Is that all there is?”
No matter how wonderful your life is, its impossible to avoid difficult people. These unpleasant folks may be your neighbors, coworkers, family, clients, boss or even your partner. Regardless of who they are, how are you going to get along with them? You can’t just blow them off and run away; they have a way of finding you. You need to find ways to make peace with them, no matter how stupid, obnoxious or unpleasant they are.
I have clients who tell me that it’s painful for them to walk down University Avenue in Hillcrest and see all those happy couples. “It makes me feel so lonely and unwanted,” they say.